How To Become Internet Famous: Part 1

You’ve probably woken up one day and gone, “Well, gee, I really wish I were higher up on the social Internet hierarchy. Perhaps a little more popular, not having to resort to Omegle and Reddit to find a likeminded individual.” If you have, then worry not: you’re not alone. There are countless others out there just like you who spend many a sleepless night staring at the ceiling and ruminating on the complex questions of life such as why PewDiePie has more a million more subscribers than you do, even though your channel has way more original and funny content.

But the time for worrying is over. Stop thinking. Start doing. Because I am here to help you—and with four surprisingly powerful tools, I will give you a nudge down the virtual red carpet of (ephemeral) Internet fame, complete with thousands of followers at your commands. Don’t believe me yet?

You will soon enough. So let’s get started with arguably the most important aspect to becoming famous, which is none other than. .

• Taking selfies. Let’s be honest, folks. Whether you’re on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Facebook, or any popular social network site, you can’t go far without snapping a photo of yourself. Studies1 show that there’s a positive correlation between the number of selfies one posts and the amount of awesome points they have. Ergo, more selfies=more popularity. This means that you, fledgling Internet star, must make it your goal to post no fewer than four selfies a week. And, if you want me to be completely honest with you, the recommended number for all true rising stars is, at the very least, one selfie a day. It’s acceptable to cross-post the same photo on multiple sites on the same day, but you simply must take a new one every day. Deleting a selfie taken a few months ago and reusing it eventually is simply unacceptable. You may congratulate yourself on your impressive subterfuge, but rest assured: you will be found out.

Now, before you rush off to grab your phone and take your first selfie, here’s some advice: You’ll probably have the unpopular types jump on you like a tiger over a T-bone steak within the first few days of your selfie streak. They’ll say some stuff about how self-centered and incredibly narcissistic you are, so you must be prepared for this. To avoid any of these ad hominems, add a caption to most selfies you upload, and put a motivational/inspirational quote there, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with your selfie. Google will provide you with a plethora of suggestions, and if worse comes to worst, you can always resort to an obscure-sounding quote you yourself made up. Also, John Green. “My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations,” anyone? Does it really get more pretentious than that?

Alternatively, post a selfie that ostensibly isn’t about you, but ultimately pretty much just features none other than—guess who—yourself. For example, post a picture when you’re at the farmer’s market. Your picture should feature you holding a tomato or two, but make sure that the focus on the picture is on one subject: you.

I know some of you are already going, “OMG, BUT I’M NOT HOT ENOUGH.” Worry not. The solution is simple: pets. The same aforementioned study discovered that selfies featuring a fluffy dog or cat were consistently rated higher when placed side-by-side with a non-pet selfie of the same person. Little else needs to be said. And if that doesn’t work . . . well, let’s just leave it at that. What are you even doing here, then?

Enough on selfies. It’s time to move on to another vital step, namely. .

• Your grammar usage and lexicon. Rule #2 of all popular folks is this: Nobody loves a smartypants. They’re stick-in-the-muds and holier-than-thous who compensate for their insecurity by hiding behind polysyllabic words (which means words with lots of syllables) and complex sentences that they throw together from their vocabulary builder they carry around with them. It’s time to assess your lexicon and eliminate all fancy words, stat. There’s no hard-and-fast rule (say, words with more than four syllables should be removed), but keep this tip in mind: shorter is better. How else did we get KFC?

Need some advice on how to go about this the right way? Well, try this: don’t capitalize any words. Skip proper nouns as well, because everyone knows a proper noun when they see it. Punctuation should be virtually truncated from speech, except for multiple interrobangs and the like to convey emotion. Shorten all words to preferably fewer than six or seven letters. The human brain is adept in filling in missing letters, so no worries. For example, instead of saying:

Wow, I had a really crappy day at work today. First, there was this ginormous bird that took a dump on my head, and then I had to go to the bathroom to wash the gunk out of my head. But the neighbor’s sprinkler system went off and. . .

And instead say:

wow so like i had a really crappy day @ word today…..like first their was this bird that took a dump on my head and i had 2 go 2 the w/c to wash the gunk but the neighbors sprinkler went off!!!!!!

While this isn’t the time and place for a in-depth analysis of the two versions, note how the latter gets the message across using thirty-something fewer characters and how it can connect with any and all readers, discriminating against none and instead welcoming all to use the same style of language that you do. None of that upper crusty pompous language and all that rot here. Everyone loves someone who’s lax on grammar. It’s a key factor to remember, young neophytes, in the path to Internet stardom.

And that’s all for this week, folks. Come back same time next week for more sure-fire methods, tricks, and secrets all designed to help you discover your virtual popularity potential. You won’t want to miss it.

Less than three,
Josh